That’s the part of coming out, the relationship with my mom, that I don’t like. I don’t like people being mad at me on the internet. I was lying because it was more pleasant.įor other people. ![]() I told the truth about who I am and now there’s a rift with my mom. I used to lie to keep a consistent reaction, which was all about Like me, like me, like me. I don’t like that but I know that’s a part of telling the truth - the reaction isn’t consistent. I was searching my name on Twitter and people were mad because I said that Chapelle should talk about himself. You’re trying hard to tell the truth these days, but aside from what’s going on with your family, does committing to honesty present problems in your day-to-day life? It’s not easy to be fully honest with everyone. It’s simultaneously devastating and makes me want to throw up and then sometimes I feel free. Why do I always have to be the one to find the treaty? It’s unfair. I’m getting over wanting them to come to me. She babysits his sex! I can’t bring anybody home, but you have babies? It’s absurd. My family’s echoing that sentiment of, “All right, but why we gotta talk about it?” Sex is so important to all of our lives. What’s the thing you most need to hear from your family? If it’s a line drawn, then say that. Jerrod Carmichael in his recent stand-up special, ‘‘Rothaniel,’’ on HBO. I want the love, desperately, but not at the cost of not talking about it because that makes me hate myself. My sister just sent me a long text with every word but “gay” in it. ![]() Everything was actually “I’m gay.” But it’s still dodged. Me telling them something like “drink more water” was me trying to see their capacity for change. I’ve been trying to get my parents to hear me and see me my whole life - seeking some validation. I’m still scared about coming out, and I’m already out! But I felt more comfortable trying to say it on camera because the camera picks up on lies, so it forces you to be more honest. Anything other than “I’m gay” was me dodging. Yeah, I noticed back then that when you were asked about it, you played it down. I say “attempting” because I wasn’t clear, and I was afraid. That was my first time attempting to do it. Or tried to at least, because it was the only way I could feel brave enough. Also, I sometimes feel more comfortable expressing things and being honest on camera. These children are like billboards of your infidelity! You have shame attached to it and would rather not talk about it, which I get, but it’s already a public thing. Why?” And he was like, “You put our business out there.” My response to that was: You’ve had a bunch of kids outside of marriage. But it’s all in relation to shame! My dad, before the special, called me and said, “You going to do another special?” I said, “I’m thinking about it.” He said, “You going to talk about me in it?” “I don’t know. I understand the value of mining that family tension for “Rothaniel,” but what are you getting out of carrying on that discussion publicly that you wouldn’t get by doing it privately? I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between public and private. “But if I accept the quiet, it makes me hate myself.”įor the last few months you’ve been confronting your family - through your work and in interviews - about the need to quit repressing things. “My family would rather not talk about me being gay,” Carmichael said. So he continued the discussion, engaging in a kind of solo family therapy in disarmingly open interviews on venues like “Late Night With Seth Meyers” and “The Howard Stern Show.” He did so knowing that his loved ones - in particular his conflicted mother - would most likely hear him. But for Carmichael, who in person fairly shimmers for being so newly whole, to carry on as if nothing has changed would have been another lie. ![]() Indeed, he says, they don’t really even want to acknowledge it. Carmichael’s religious Southern family has struggled to accept his sexuality. Away from the camera, the results have been more mixed. Carmichael’s very funny, extremely riveting recent HBO special “Rothaniel,” in which the 35-year-old came out as gay and shared other painful and long-held family secrets was widely seen as a breakthrough for both him and the form, an expansion of what can be achieved formally and emotionally in filmed stand-up comedy. “I’m just trying to tell the truth now the thoughts that I used to run from.” Creatively, that urge has served him well. “Lying doesn’t feel good anymore,” said the comedian Jerrod Carmichael as he sat on the steps of New York’s Whitney Museum of American Art, cars noisily zooming by on the West Side Highway, the Hudson River placid beyond.
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